My baby

Brooks is sick, again, and we are stuck at home, again, slowly getting through the day not knowing what to expect; will he eat? take a good nap? do we need to go see Dr. Bravo? Typically our time is spent keeping busy trying to get in a good nap and a good meal instead of these things being our focus. Most days I spend a good part of our time together marveling at what a little boy he is becoming and how he is growing up so fast. Sick days are the opposite. I hold him differently, look at him differently, and I realize he is still my little little baby. Rocking him to sleep he is snuggled in between my shoulder and my chin, full trust in me. Not knowing yet what the definition of love is but oh so familiar with that feeling of love between us. And I feel assured that he knows he is safe with me. Last night at 2 in the morning as I waited for the ibuprofen to kick in and his high fever to subside I held him close and shared my calm energy. I thought about the first time he got such a high fever (104!) in the middle of the night, in the darkness with no one to turn to, I was so scared for my baby. And whenever I get scared for my baby I get scared for my whole family because we all share the same heart so if anything bad ever happened it would hurt us all equally. But back then I didn't know it was normal to run such a high fever. I didn't know a lot of things, and I still don't. I am preparing for a lifetime of learning now. And I am open to learning from anyone... everyone. Last Sunday I went to church with Colleen for the first time in ages. After the service Coco went to pray with another member of the church and I sat alone feeling comfortable and fulfilled from the beautiful sermon on love and marriage. A nice man (can't remember his name now) came up to me to ask when I was due (Ella June in tow with 10 weeks until D day) so we started talking about kids and he and his wife raised 5 children and only 1 was still at home. Just the thought of my babies being grown up and leaving home brought tears to my eyes. I shared my fear of not having the same close relationship and bond with my kids as they get older. This nice man had such positive things to say. The "firsts" that begin when they enter our world and we experience together are so exciting and bonding...and they last forever, even when they are grown up and out of the house. His words eased my fears and made me see a different way to love, a better way to love. I am hoping to gain more strength (aka less fear) from going to church and meeting people just like him, people who love better. I know my role as mom is not to keep my babies babies forever just so I can basque in the pure love that is exchanged at this young age. They came into this world to replace us, and to make a difference in the world, to shine their light on the whole world...not just me. Only in my dreams.